I’ve been a list person for as long as I can remember. The bullet journalling wave has been an easy one for me to ride, especially with the pretty letters to lure me in.
I love the satisfaction of filled in circles and squares, the affirmation that I did what I set out to do. It feels really, really good.
For about 10-15 seconds.
On second 16, my thoughts reach for the next thing. Sure, I’m prepared for all my classes today and even tomorrow, but what about the next day? What about that final exam I have to write in three months; what in the WORLD am I going to do for that?
While we’re on the subject, how am I going to live a structured life with no structure for the foreseeable future? How will I find meaning in my days without students to pour my life into, demand all of my energy and creativity, and stretch my knowledge of Scripture? How am I going to stay fit without the personal trainer and my own kitchen? How am I going to get those save the dates sent out? How am I going to choose decorations for the ceremony? How are we going to survive the strain of the first year of marriage?!
Okay, but seriously though, what am I teaching my two English classes on Monday?
This is where my mind naturally turns and it takes my peace with it. A moment of celebration quickly gives place to overwhelming dread of something else. There is always something else.
But isn’t there always? Isn’t there always a lot to do, important lots to do? Won’t I always have something to prepare for, to plan, to consider? And–gloriously–won’t I always be insufficient for it all? A self sufficient life is a godless life; as much as I idolize it, I know it would not satisfy my heart.
So instead, I remind myself. Jesus has seen me through before. He has seen me through the most difficult planning, teaching, and grading weeks. He has seen me through the hardest conversations, culture shocks, loneliness, heartache, and confusion. Jesus actually never leaves nor forsakes. He’s a man, and a God, of His word.
So yeah, I don’t know what I’m teaching on Monday. But I finished cutting all of the laminating for my friend and caught up with the little brother and painted the future with the fiancé. There’s always something else. But I choose to be thankful for today. Satisfied with today.